Harry Potter and the Pound of Cocaine
by TheHolyJellyTot
Summary: Harry, Ron and Hermione find a pound of crack in Voldemort's house, get high, and gangbang, except for the gangbang part. This was co-written by LaLaLullaby.


**A/N: This was co-written by ****_LaLaLullaby._**

* * *

Harry walked soundlessly into the room. He looked around. He spotted a table infront of him occuping a small bag of white powder.

He walked forward and picked it up. Bringing it to his face, he smelt it. The powder vanished up his nostrils. Harry suddenly felt as if his head was somewhere in the clouds. Or in Mexico. Then his ginger friend, Ron, approached his side.

"Harry, I can't believe you!" Harry looked puzzled at Ron's words, "You had sherbet and didn't tell me!"

With that, Ron grabbed the packet and smelt it. "Mm," he added.

"Ron, have you always had three heads?" Harry asked, swaying on the spot.

"I- I don't think so," Ron murmured, feeling his head. "Do I look sexy?"

"Of course," Harry grinned.

"What are you doing!" Hermione whined, leaning on the doorframe, "This is so irresprons- Oh, you have sherbert!"

She beamed and snatched the bag out of Ron's hand. She lifted it over her head and tipped the entire contents into her mouth.

"Ooh, Hermione, I wonder what else you could fit into the big mouth of yours," Ron said, wiggling his eyebrow suggestively.

"I- I," Hermione choked, white powder spluttering out of her mouth.

"What?" Ron and Harry said, running to grab one of her arms each. Ron also entertained himself by running his foot up her leg.

"This- this is stupid," she said sternly. "Let's be Sirius."

They all burst out laughing.

"I- I don't think that was sherbert!" Harry laughed. "I wonder where we can buy this stuff!"

"I'll take you to the candy shop," Ron sang, doing the wiggle as if he was singing Sexy and I Know It.

"Ron, did I ever tell you how hot you are?" Hermione smirked, extending her hand to a place on Ron that Harry didn't want to think about.

Harry pulled his hair out of his eyes.

"Harry, you look sexy with your hair pulled back." Ron grinned.

"Ron, are you gay!" Hermione exclaimed.

"No, just bisexual. " His grin grew even wider. "Want a threesome?"

"Uh, I- I forgot my pajamas," Harry squirmed.

"The point of a threesome is that you don't _need _pajamas," Hermione said, shaking her head. "Anyhow, I'm not in the mood."

"You're never in the mood," Ron muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Absolutly nothing!" He smiled inoccently.

"Did you fart?" Harry said.

"Smelt it, dealt it." Hermione said.

Then Voldemort entered.

"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY COCAINE?" He roared.

"What would you do with it? You have no nose!" Harry said, grinning.

"Screw you, I killed your mum and dad." He said.

"At least they had something you don't,"

"What would that be?"

"A nose, maybe? And something down below."

"Are you saying I'm a virgin?"

"Well, yes. Who would want you to knock 'em up. I s'pose there's your mother..."

"My mother died when I was born,"

"Looks like she took your nose with her."

"You're not a very nice person.." Voldemort started to cry.

"There there, Baldywart, be careful not to get snot on your face, wait you don't have a nose" Hermione interrupted.

"Oi, Granger," It was Bellatrix, "what have you done to my babies daddy?"

"Where's your babies then? You probably boiled them alive!" Ron sniggered.

"Mind your own, scabby ginger pube."

"Have you ever brought a tooth brush? Your teeth are like the stars," he started, earning a glare from Hermione and Harry, "so distant and yellow."

"How dare you talk to her like that, you hoe!" Voldemort roared, "I'll Avada Kedavra your ass."

"Hey, Harry" Ron said, "you know how you sound when you pinch your nose and talk, that's how Voldy sounds all the time."

"You sound like a dweeb all the time, too!" Voldemort replied.

"If I wanted my own come-back, I would have licked it off your mum's chin!" Ron bellowed, laughing as he did.

"Uh, I hope you done her after I was born. I'd kill myself if I had a ginger-haired dad." Voldemort smiled, making the loose skin around his nose flap like wings.

"Don't make fun of my hair, when you have none of your own; baldywort! Do you have pubes?"

"As a matter of fact, I do."

"Can I see 'em?"

"Okay fine, I don't" He started to bawl again. Snot flying out of his ears.

"Aww, Voldy baby" Bellatrix said, "shall we have sex to make you feel better?"

"I'm scarred for life! Ooh, I'm like Harry Potter!" Ron smiled, making glasses with his fingers.

"That means I'll have to kill you!" Voldemort screamed, reaching for his wand, pointing it at Ron.

"Here's where my favourite spell comes in," Harry said, "Expelliarmus!"

Voldemorts wand flew through the air, landing in Harry's hand.

"Suck on that, Mama Buki!"

"How dare you reference 'The Other Side of Truth' in my company!" Voldemort screamed.

"There, there. Give mummy Bellatrix a hug!" Bellatrix smiled, wrapping her arms around Voldemort. The sleeves on her arm fell back, revealing two long, very hairy arms.

"Ew!" they all said, including Voldemort.

"What? I have issues!" she bawled.


End file.
